when i am a housebound mum with kids to take care of, the day goes so slowly, and when i have a list of things to do, there isn't enough time in the day...
today i felt the rush of nerves you get when a deadline comes up and you realise everyone closes in half an hour and if you don't do it now now now, it won't get done till tomorrow and tomorrow might be too late
then everything shuts down and you suddenly have loads of time to redo the rush job that you didn't even manage to complete before closing time
and then ideas hit you and its too late to change course because of promises you made today that you must see through to completion tomorrow
and then you can't sleep for thinking about what you have to do tomorrow
and on top of that you remember the promise you made to yourself to get enough sleep and plan the day so that you don't not get enough sleep
guilt sets in when you watch a movie instead of going to bed
hunger gnaws at your insides as you think about the rule of not eating before bedtime (who set that rule? Oprah, I think)
sleep tugs at your eyelids but you know that come the time you lay your head down, you think of the list you could be making to make tomorrow more efficient
then i think i should just not have committed to anything, then i would have more time on my hands
and then i think how much i squander my time when i have nothing to do
and then and then i wonder how mothers run countries (hats off to Indira, Thatcher, the NZ Premier and other ladies of steel)
and then and then and then i think they must really have their shit together
then i look at my piddly list and laugh at how small i am, how weak
and i look around me at all the people who make my life full and wonder if they ever think this way or are they just forces of nature who don't bend to their weaknesses?
and i wonder what am i to them and do i make a difference?
then i look at the time and scoff at my time-wasting tendencies
better sign off, go to sleep and wake up to send my baby to school early, that way she gets a chance to socialise before class begins
and i get to stand and watch like a goofy old cow and think how happy to be a child